Misery
by cataclysmically starry-minded
Summary: After the end of her fifth year, Hermione reflects on the change she saw in Harry and what it means to her. In Hermione's POV.


Misery

I don't own Harry Potter, nor am I receiving a profit from this.

A/n: This is an attempt to get into Hermione's character. It's short, but feedback is greatly appreciated (how will I know if I'm going in the right direction if no one tells me so? or where I am going wrong?).

~

I had worried about Harry all break, but when I saw him up close, his eyes clouded and dull, my heart throbbed sadly. His face seemed set in stone, indifferent yet hard. But I kept getting drawn to the emerald of his eyes, the green orbs betraying his sadness, his hurt, his pain. His anger. Because the only time his expression would change, the only time I saw a hint of emotion, was when he was angry. His eyebrows would furrow over his eyes and he would yell, and I could hear horrible things seeping from his voice. He blamed himself for Cedric's death; we knew that, Ron and I. We just never knew what exactly it had done to him. 

Although Dumbledore has been credited as being the most powerful wizard in existence, and although I wholly believe that, I can't help but wonder if he has made a mistake, sending Harry back to his aunt and uncle. I've heard Mr. and Mrs. Weasley talk about the Dursleys, about their lack of care towards Harry. Shutting him up there after… well, after Cedric's death, it seems hard and callous. 

And he came here, to Grimmauld Place, and came up to the room. And after I greeted him, he avoided my glance and Ron's. We tried to say something, to cheer him up, and he wouldn't be deterred. It was all You-Know-Who this and You-Know-Who that and when we said we knew as much as he did, he got mad. I've always thought of Harry as temperamental yet quiet and to see him yell like that… it was unnerving and horrible in its own respect. And when he quieted down, he was less… alive than usual. He asked questions, he was inquisitive, but reserved. Sometimes (and this is what scares me most) I could see hatred gleaming in his eyes, towards whom I cannot say. No one is really safe from his enmity, but Harry is loyal. He won't let it take over.

But what will happen when You-Know-Who puts another plot into action? I can't remember anything from the night of the third task except that pure panic and fear. It permeated the air and infected us all, not bracing us for the sight of a body that night… and the sight of a defeated Harry as he was led from that maze, defeated and bloody, exhausted. Secrets were unearthed that night. And not just the most obvious but the subtle changes that came from Harry's story. Dumbledore, we knew, supported Harry wholeheartedly, but others did not. A year of betrayal seems to be inevitable, a year that will put strain on Harry.

We can't fight, I've told Ron, not one that will break us apart. And even though we seem to bear the brunt of Harry's temper, we mustn't let it tear our bonds of friendship. It will be difficult, but Harry will deteriorate if we should leave him. Ron's warned me to keep my mouth shut and I've told Ron to not become jealous of Harry again (in more tactful words, of course). Besides, who would want to be Harry as the Daily Prophet insults him, as people consider him to be delusional or spoiled or attention-hungry? Dumbledore told us that You-Know-Who has the power to tear us all apart, and it has already come into play. But people aren't listening.

We went to school skeptically and I didn't know how far the lies had seeped into the students' heads. Ron and I went to the prefect's cart in the train, reluctantly leaving Harry with Ginny. I think that Ron was the teensiest bit guilty that he got the badge, but Harry, after that first day, didn't seem to mind, and Mrs. Weasley's happiness ignited Ron's pride so he didn't feel too badly. We came back, Harry holed up with Ginny and Neville and some other girl that we didn't know yet but has become more prominent in our lives than we could've ever guessed. Draco's pompousness hadn't deflated over the summer, unfortunately but not unexpectedly. But when we arrived at the castle, fate dealt us another blow and this hit came from a toad named Umbridge. Her speech alarmed me and was the cause of a feeling of anxiousness in the pit of my stomach. Her chin wobbling, clasping her hands in front of her horrid cardigan, she talked over Hogwarts' fallacies. Harry and Ron were clueless, but I told them. 

The first day of classes foreshadowed the second fight Hogwarts would have. Against the foundation of our judicial system. She got up in front of our class, delivered pointless class goals, and then set us to work reading the biased book that had become part of our required curriculum. When I heard we were to learn no defensive spells for O.W.L.s…! But the horrible part came later as she made it very clear on what she thought of You-Know-Who's revival. Complete and utter nonsense, in her opinion. Which, of course, managed to ignite Harry's temper again, as she was essentially calling him a liar. It was the foundation of a battle of wills, and each got back at the other in different ways. I had always known Harry was strong, but to see those words engraved in his hand… it sickened me and it sickened Ron. He was unfazed, however, and this, to me, shows his tolerance to pain. He's been through so much that it was child's play to him. And that very thought is haunting. 

The D.A. was formed, against a useless decree, and that seemed to move Harry onward. But it wasn't enough. He taught them things that we would've never learned with Umbridge, but it ended with a sudden and terrible conclusion. The expulsion of Dumbledore as headmaster when the Ministry was tightening its stranglehold and Voldemort gaining power was the worse thing that could happen. 

The teachers were incensed and fought to make Umbridge as uncomfortable as possible, the Gryffindors adding their own little touch of mischievousness. Harry was stuck in Occlumency lessons with Snape, something that fueled Ron's suspicion. And when he was thrown out, my own suspicions took hold. But if something had happened, Harry wasn't telling. But he kept having those dreams, Ron told me, and nothing seemed to be getting rid of him. 

O.W.L.s came with the usual stress a fifth year should have to endure, but things were piling up instead. Hagrid was thrown out of Hogwarts in the vicious display during our Astronomy test. But as we took the last O.W.L. – History of Magic—another thing distracted me, this far, far worse. I knew that yell and turned around to see Harry on the floor. I couldn't concentrate on the end of the exam, and neither, I think, could Ron. When we found him, well, his dream had skewed his thinking.

I knew of You-Know-Who's persistence and it all seemed too coincidental. But Harry won't let himself become deterred. I pleaded, only getting one agreement from him—to check. And that led to Umbridge, battling centaurs, and an angry giant. Thestrals, an animal that I both want to and don't want to see, took us to London. Into danger. Something was found, something I didn't know until later was a prophecy. Although I was knocked unconscious, I've heard the story. Sirius, dead. 

And so is Harry, in a way.

He knows something, something he's not sharing. He has Ron fooled and Ginny and Neville and Luna, but I can see the secret hidden in his face. I don't know why he doesn't think we need to know. The pain keeps shining through and I don't know how to quell it, how to quiet it. He's means so much to me—I just can't bear to see him fall apart. 

But with all of my intellect, my knowledge, I can't think of a way to save him. Not just from Voldemort. From his mind, his feelings, his sadness… and the one thing that seems to form the base of his soul… his misery.

~

End  

A/n: Now that you've read it, you can just go hit that little button below and tell me what you think.


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